Can’t do anything right
am I taking life too seriously? I’ve always felt there’s something wrong with me. Always. Like a day wouldn’t pass without having that feeling.
I’ve always felt inferior in everything. Everything. I used to try many things, trying to find where I would excel. I tried painting, playing guitar, writing, but I’ve always felt I lack the skills. Sure, there are people that would appreciate my works somehow. But whenever I saw or read things that better than my works, I’ll feel that I must stop my writing or painting. I feel like I’m not getting any better.
I write stories then I’ll post it. I am open to criticisms and I like them to criticize my works because they’re pointing the things I lack and must improve. I just get discouraged when I read some stories that were written with superb skills. I got upset that I am not as good as those writer.
I feel like I’m not getting any better and it just upset me!
I’m always different. I’ve never felt normal like most of the people. I have weird ideas and sometimes I’d think maybeI’m being schizoid or something like that. I like to be isolated. And I just think too much about life and I’ll get tired of it. I’ll think of death, God, life. It’s just too tiring.
I can’t do good at school. I can’t do good at anything.
Saving Sanity
You’ll know what’s sanity is when you know what insanity is. There’s a line between them. You’ll be able to distinguish differences between the two.
I’ve been thinking too much, since I can remember, about myself. When I was young I’ve been wondering a lot and that’s because I do not understand most of the things. And I realized it would be probably a lot better if you wouldn’t have to understand things. It saves a lot of effort and energy.
It’s too tiring to understand everything. I do not force myself to understand everyone. There are just some times when I realize that understanding does no good. Understanding is stepping into maturity and I don’t like that. I’m really scared of growing up. When I was sixteen, I really wanted to die before I turned eighteen. Now, I am eighteen. The fear of growing up hasn’t really gone at all. I’m giving myself atleast fifteen or twenty more years to live. It’s not that I desperately want to kill myself. No, I won’t be killing myself, but I’m wishing I would die in a peaceful manner (not by suffocating or drowning or brutal). I am just afraid of growing up, having responsibilities and facing life.
The summer when I was about to be enrolled in a college, I have terrible thoughts then that I still prefer not to share with anybody. I really wanted to die then. I wasn’t really suicidal, but I did have suicidal thoughts. I even didn’t want to go to college. I was afraid of change (of course, I wasn’t aware of that then, since I couldn’t really explain myself in a psychological manner). I’m also considering the fact that sending a child to college costs very much and I was thinking that if my parents sent me to college, they will just be wasting their money. I wasn’t wrong or right at all. I am not bad in academics (excluding the years of my third grade and earlier than that).
I liked college, but I’m not really happy with it. I can’t really tell what’s happiness. I liked myself better when I was in highschool. I didn’t talk to people when I’m not talked to, aside from my seatmates. Life was easier then, when your only problem is how to wake up early and how to go home early.
Lots of things changed in college. I have to talk, since the day I was appointed by a professor to become the class representative. I have to make friends. But not too close friends whom I can share everything. I don’t like sharing things, deep thoughts, secrets, feelings to anyone. I feel that those are private matter and shouldn’t be shared. Dealing with people feels awkward that sometimes I would want to go back time where I wouldn’t have to talk. I don’t like talking with people.
Semester break. I feel somewhat relaxed. I can now sleep unlimited (haha!). I really need this break to save my sanity. I felt these past few weeks that I could break at any minute. Subject requirements are so sick that you’ll get literally sick as well. I’ve been spending several nights on organization’s stuffs and those requirements. There are also people that pisses you off in school. And not getting even with them makes you sick too. You can’t put the blame on anyone because you have a reputation to save.
I don’t want to go to school, that’s what I’m feeling now. I’m just so tired and sick of all those school stuffs.
I know it’s pointless having this pessimistic entry written. I just thought that the title would make a good name for a band.
Searching for the Brightside
I should’ve listened to my father when he was convincing me last Saturday morning not to come to school in Manila. He was telling me I wasn’t still well enough (from sickness) and the weather is bad. We checked the online news. I should’ve worn slippers as he said. I don’t have classes that day but I badly needed to go to do assigned tasks for an upcoming event. I was telling him nothing would be done if I wouldn’t come. The rain is pouring hard but still I decided to leave.
I took an almost empty bus. There are only five passengers, including myself. I feel relaxed and even refreshed by the feeling of a touch of depression when it rains. Until the bus reached Taft Avenue. There’s flood and the traffic was really heavy. The water is at the level of a pedicab’s wheel. I was surprised because I haven’t seen flood as heavy as that but on the television only. I remembered that I have my sister’s D-SLR with me so I took pictures.
I needed to take a pedicab because I didn’t bring an umbrella. I still have that amusing feeling of the flood because I havent’s experienced anything like that before. Upon entering the gate of the walled city, there’s a river! I couldn’t believe that the water is almost the level of my seat. We sat with our feet up, as the driver told us to do so. My pants we’re half wet and I told myself, this isn’t funny anymore.
I met my classmates who just went in school for the task that we have to do. Classes were already suspended. We decided to stay for awhile hoping that the rain would stop and the flood will disperse. Our professor gave us a hundred peso bill for our snacks. How nice of him.
We waited but the rain didn’t stop. One of our professors is telling us that we have to spend the night in school. It is safer. This can’t be happening, I thought. There are rumors roaming around the campus, from some stranded students too, that the flood are very serious in some places. We slept in school. It was just like a retreat. We had a chit-chat with some of the sophomore students.
I woke up at four and left school at five thirty. The sun was shining and you could see the flood haven’t totally dispersed yet. I’m home at seven. That day was the first time I have watched news. There are dead bodies recovered. Houses are in total destruction. Mud all over the place. Celebrities and their destroyed properties. I never thought it was that serious!
My classmate messaged us that in case he will see a person throwing wrappers on street again, he would have to curse the person. Of course, that’s only a joke. But kidding aside, we are all to be blamed. I don’t throw wrappers in any place but somehow I have done it in the past.
My sister’s classmates are some of the victims of the typhoon. She was talking with one of them in the phone, and you can hear from her voice that she was trying to comfort her classmate. She said that they lost all their properties and business. That’s too bad because final examination is approaching and they need money. We segregated some of our clothes this day to donate to the victims. We can all help in little ways.
The typhoon Ondoy gave every Filipino a situation to reflect on. There are still things on which human or any modern technology are not capable of doing, like stopping the flood. I won’t say that it’s a punishment of mother nature or God. I like to believe that God doesn’t punish.
Probably, almost death
So we went yesterday (Sunday) in (Mabini then transferred to Anilao) Batangas for an educational trip in my General Zoology subject. I thought that was my chance to wind up for a bit because of too pressure and stress that I acquire in school. The assembly time is 4AM and we’ll leave at 5AM as strictlysaid by our professor. I was there before 4:30AM, caught between the assembly time and time of leaving, and my dad accompanied me. I like trips when it’s still dark, especially when in a private car. Calm, and colorful lighted streets, we passed by. I really love the street at night (dawn).
I was able to occupy two seats, it’s comfortable. An advantage because I haven’t had enough sleep the night before the trip. And I can stretch my feet and arms bones, plus the fact that my bag doesn’t have to be placed on the floor. Honestly, that’s not the main reason of my occupying two seats. It’s for me to distance my self from my group and my classmates. I sometimes feel better alone.
We have to cross the sea to get to another island. It’s not my first boat ride, but I don’t remember the feeling of the first one since I was only a child then and my grandmother’s sister told me not to dip my foot on the water because the sharks will get it. But yesterday I did. I was really happy and excited. The cold, the clearness, somehow feels new for me. The white stones and sands are really gorgeous, but I later decided they are not. After minutes and hours of walking on the shore of sand, pebbles, stones and rocks, I feel the palm of my feet was like a punching bag, numb of pain. We did our activity to measure the temperature of water (i dunno exactly). I stayed under the sun for five hours though I didn’t get enough sunburn out of it.
I feel like staying there forever. Not really forever but until my mind clears up like the waters in there. And I thought about internet that makes me less of wanting to live there. I washed up myself and ran towards the 2nd boat to leave. There are four boats. The waves are rushing and a lot bigger than when we were arriving. It didn’t make me feel nervous at first but when we reached the middle of the sea, there are greater and stronger waves. There’s even a point where we feel like the boat is bouncing. And jumping. It reminds me of the scene in the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire where in the submarine of Darmstrung rises from the water. The current is against our boat causing water splashes. I was praying. My fear is in control. There are visualizations in my mind of our boat wrecking or us drowning. I don’t know how to swim. My left hand was gripping on the wood chair and my right is holding my Sony cybershot to video document the whole boat ride. Finally we were on the other side, my first words are “Thank you, Lord.”
Messy Mind
I am pretty sure my head isn’t working perfectly right now. I am caught up with lots and lots of school works, projects and some organization stuffs which make my life as busy as hell. Constructing a test is one of the requirements for this final term and I am really glad that the submission was postponed to give way for the preparation for the upcoming accreditation. We have to file all the documents for the current and past 2 years as a preparation. Since Monday, I have to go home later than usual because of that. I have no choice, it is something to be done not just for me, but for the benefit of our whole course community. I still have no plan for our group’s social experiment and it serves as a final project for our Social Psychology subject. Okay, my head hurts now.
I feel like wanting to withdraw from people. I texted my circle of friends early yesterday morning that I am quitting the group. I didn’t state the reason. Though there are only minor reasons, like I don’t feel like being with them at this point. I am very irritable with people’s behavior and I don’t want to put the blame on them. I don’t want to be identified with them. I don’t want them to be too comfortable with me that they sometimes forget respect. There are things going on in our class which disappoints me, really. Pleasing is not in my thin dictionary. Wanting to be alone and independent, focusing on my school works and myself are what I want to do right now. I don’t even have time for myself, like having breakfast at home or lunch at school, reading books, writing lyrics and relaxing.
I mentioned that I’m being to irritable with people. Just by look at them, my mind is automatically reasoning out their behaviors. But I am controlling. Trying to look on the brightside, as much as I can.
Relating Erik Erikson’s Life to My Own Life.
This is an essay I made for our subject Theories of Personality. We have to choose among the psychologist which we can relate to and have our life compared with him/her.
I can see myself more like Erik Erikson. Unlike Sigmund Freud, I do not have a strong personality and Alfred Adler, I did not undergo big tragic health issues during my childhood. Erik Erickson’s life is simple but complicated. Simple in a sense that he’s a very simple person and complicated because of his identity crises.
I can relate much to the “wandering artist” point of his life. Erikson referred this period of his life as a time of discontent, rebellion and confusion. And that point of my life similar to his ‘wandering artist’ is during my fourth year high school until now. Erikson travelled to different countries in Europe without any fixed job. During and after my fourth year high school, I took up entrance tests in different colleges and universities. I can’t make up my mind then because I do not really know what I want to be. My course choices in each school where I took up entrance tests are Aeronautics, AB History, Multi-media Arts and BS Psychology, International Relations & Computer Science (name of university). Upon my entrance exam in [name of university] which was 2 or 3 weeks before the opening of classes, I made up my mind that I will take up the course which I will pass. I passed in all three courses so I had a hard time in choosing what to take up. I thought of Psychology but I felt my mom was some kind of indirectly against it and she said I will not enjoy that course because I am more inclined to arts and computers. My father decided it’s all right because I always have the choice to shift to another course if I wouldn’t like psychology.
Unsure, I did take it up. And until now, I am still not a hundred percent sure. But the uncertainty is lessened. Erikson had I think the same experience he had in Europe. He wasn’t sure of his artist career so he didn’t find contentment in it. “Identity Crisis” is the point where people feel their lack of identity. It is the feeling that they do not know their selves so they make random acts of finding their selves. As a result of my uncertainties, I decided to take up psychology. I wanted to know why I differ to people in many ways. I wanted to know myself.
Erikson is not exceptionally intelligent. He is not as well educated as the other pioneer psychologists. But he became somebody. He has large contributions to the field of psychology. I can see myself now as Erikson in his “wandering artist” period of life. Every period of life has its turning point. Everything changes. And every person will not stay forever in the “wandering” phase. Sooner or later, everyone will find their own identities, like Erikson and I, too.
My professor underlined the “I am still not a hundred percent sure.” and commented: It is normal. She wrote a comment on my paper: I’m sure that one day you’ll find yourself, what will make you complete… you’re intelligent and smart. 93%
Be yourself.
Let me ask you first, how can you be ‘yourself’ if you do not even know ‘yourself’?
In psychology, there are the conscious and unconscious areas of man. The unconscious, things that we are not aware of. And those things we are aware of, the conscious. But, that’s too much scientific.
Let me ask you again a simpler question: How much do you know about yourself?
I know I can’t dance but at least I can sing a bit. I can’t stay alone in the dark, but I can stay away from the crowd. I can’t study well, but I can always pass. I am not pretty, but at least I’m not ugly as well.
I can say lots of things about me, which I am and which is not. But these things are just mere self perception. If I would consider the other’s perception, it would take forever.
I am an immature older sister. A snobbish little sister. A cold daughter. An irritable grand daughter. A good classmate. A strange stranger. A quiet student. A moody friend. A crazy enemy. A humble officer. I know my self but not that accurate. Personalities do change, because of the people we meet and situations we encounter. Either we become better or worse. Everything affects us, and sometimes we do not even notice.
I am not an open person. I make sure that there will always be a boundary between people and me. As much as possible, I try to avoid deep conversations. I am not really ashamed of what I am, but I’m not proud of it either.
But I know, somehow someday, I’ll have the courage to tell people what do I think and how I feel.
Sour-Graping
I have this college friend (not a close friend) who recently ran for our college’s student council as president. He didn’t won. I saw in his blog entry, he badmouthed the other party (which won), saying they played dirty tricks. I know they didn’t. I have a two close friends from my course in that party. He even implied that the admins has something to do with the election’s results because the admins are afraid of ‘them’ that’s why they didn’t let ‘them’ won. He said those stupid things without showing any proof. That ‘blog entry’ just proves how narcissistic he is and his co-party as well. And, it gives more reasons to think why they should not be voted.
Sour-graping. Defense mechanisms aren’t bad. What makes it bad is when you use it to hurt or give false judgements about other people.
Around the second week of classes, I was also approached by the other party if I would want to run for the SC election under their party. I refused because I have too many responsibilities in my organization, which is my top school priority. We’ll undergo an accreditation so I have to do lots of thing for my course and my organization.
Roof on my head, Shoes on my feet.
I realize I’ve been improving socially. I can now talk in front of many people without being too nervous. I can now speak clearer and share my thoughts though there are still limitations. I know I’m afraid of people. The reason, I have yet to know. Or maybe I’m not really afraid. Maybe I tend to hate people unconsciously.
I’m trying to improve my self. I try to be more sociable, like entertaining simple questions that only I who could answer. Often, regarding about our organization or about the professors. I try to be more patient but still irritable. I’m asking myself if this responsibility that was given to me, probably is a blessing in diguise. So that I could improve myself. Responsibilities make us grow–I believe in that.
But, I’m afraid to grow up.
Start from scratch.
I know that I’ve been judging people wrongly and I know that I’m not supposed to. Like what the gestalt principle says, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” I must consider everything (family background, past experiences, etc) and every angle before judging a person. I am really impatient with people. In fact, I hate people. Not that I’m anti-social or something close to that. ‘Sociophobic’ is the better word.
But, I’m learning not to give people rush judgements. I must be more patient and be more aware about the reasons behind the person’s personality. I try to always look on the brightside of a person. Though, I’m not perfect to understand people all the time and I’m always impatient. Understanding people is not an easy thing to do. But, that can’t be a reason for not trying to. We are rational beings, we have rational souls, and formulating judgement is one of the things which we are designed to do.
